Getting Hired by Barstool: A Case Study

As a full time student finishing up my Doctorate I’m about to get sent on rotation.

“Rotation” roughly translated is me working 40 hour weeks for a year at various hospitals, UNPAID.

What a treat….

Unfortunately I haven’t hit the mega millions and my parents haven’t been writing me tuition checks so I’ve been brainstorming ways I can make some money this coming year without having to physically go into work.

Thus my bright idea to try and weasel my way into Barstool as a remote blogger, and their Future Chief Medical Officer (shocking they don’t have one in the midst of a pandemic tbh). Soon enough I’ll be gainfully employed by these two (see literally the only picture on this page), allegedly..

Abstract: (This is a paragraph summary of the study below for you simpletons who don’t understand science)

Getting hired at Barstool is a dream of every stoolie. As we will see by the case study below, not everyone is cut out to work there. Wildly enough companies of this scale actually prefer candidates with tangible examples of their writing ability as opposed to rambling incoherent speeches about how friggin lit they are. Not to mention how much clout they have. Bringing something to the table of the job you’re looking to land, a remarkable concept. Lucky for me I analyzed the data and am ready to try my hand at conquering the task of gaining a job at barstool.

Now let’s dive into the study.

As a notoriously lazy student I will be using only two references:

Random office drop-in yesterday. Do we hire him ? — YouTube

^ Case 1 for Reference

Random showing up in the office looking for a job. — YouTube

^ Case 2 for Reference

Key Takeaways From Case 1:

• Candidate “is content”, “is money”, and allegedly has great taste because he owns Jordan’s.
• Candidate had “proof of legitness”, this came in the form of 11 Instagram followers and a SnapChat movie of him driving rippin cigs.
• Candidate’s brain is in fact a “content cauldron”.

How I stack up:

• I think I can produce solid content and have a lot more on deck if this initial post generates a buzz.
• I’m unfortunately not money… In fact I’d like to write blogs as an income source to pay very basic living expenses and not have to live in my 07' (L.L. Bean edition Subaru Outback, NBD but KBD).
• Silver lining is that my little brother is a stud college basketball player so I have plenty of hand me down Jordan’s.
• 0 proof of my Legitness, fuck.
• Brain is not a cauldron, but I know enough useless shit to write blogs that get the people goin.

Key Takeaways From Case 2:

• Security guard is a much more unknown position than some would think.
• Candidate is not only a rambling man in his speech about quite literally nothing, he is also from MA, NY, CT as well as the ever popular Tulane. A rambling man overall, some might say.
• Candidate does NOT like the interns, at Barstool for the current time period of the video. Other than Tex.

How I stack up:

• I know what security guards are, I’ll probably have to be one at a shitty bar next year if this article is deemed trash by the Stoolies, thank god they’re so forgiving.
• Don’t trust this guy. Don’t trust people who can’t give you a one location answer when you ask where they’re from. Same goes for people who live “just outside” cities. 2 hours is by no means synonymous for just outside. I am from one place, which I will keep anonymous at this point.
• Unrelated side note, personally, I also don’t trust people named after cities.
• There are plenty of interns I love, and also hate. However, you’re an idiot if you think everyone at Barstool isn’t serving a specific purpose for a specific niche. You’re never going to like all the employees at any company. That doesn’t mean you don’t need them.
• ^^ That being said Tex was an absolute dipshit, so citing him as your favorite Intern is a bold move.

If you made it this far:

• E-mail, Tweet, DM, Share etc. this to Barstool and help me out. I have a ton of good content ready to upload if I can gain a following.
• If you think this blog is a bigger piece of trash than I am, rip me to pieces in the comments. I’m going to be a Doctor and I’m better than you. Unless you’re also a Doctor and I’m confident you’re probably better than I.